Abstract: This article written by Erinn Reilly, LMHC-A explores approaches to self-motivation and self-talk, particularly contrasting "tough love" with "compassionate accountability." The article points out that while some common motivational phrases, like "you made your bed, now lie in it" or "tough love is the only way to learn," may seem reasonable, they are often filled with punishment, negativity, and internal self-bullying. This type of self-talk might create pressure in the short term, but over time, it can harm mental health by lowering self-confidence, increasing anxiety, and making emotional regulation more difficult.
The article emphasizes the importance of self-compassion, advocating for a gentle, non-judgmental approach to dealing with one's struggles, rather than using punishment to cope with failure. Self-compassion helps us recognize that our struggles do not define who we are—challenges are a part of life that everyone encounters.
The article also introduces the concept of "compassionate accountability," which combines empathy and responsibility, allowing us to pursue our goals with motivation while avoiding self-blame for failure. Compassionate accountability helps us be kind to ourselves when facing challenges while assessing what values and goals are most important, thus allowing for better adjustments in future actions without criticizing past decisions.
The Impact of Compassionate Accountability
“No excuses”. “You made your bed, now lie in it”. “Tough love is the only way to learn”.
Familiar sayings that are commonly used to motivate and hold people accountable. You might have said some of these to yourself, with the hopes of motivating yourself toward action. Tough love or being hard on ourselves might make sense. But if you look closely, there’s a clear common thread between these sayings – harshness, punishment, negativity, and bullying veiled as encouragement. Is this truly the most effective way to motivate us to change? If not this way, then how else?
“When I’m too nice to myself, I make excuses and never get anything done”. When our inner voice doesn’t believe in us to hold both compassion and our goals at the same time, it’s hard to believe that being a bit kinder would truly be impactful.
However, we must consider the impact of how we speak to and about ourselves. The way that we talk to ourselves significantly impacts the way we feel; the way we feel impacts our thoughts and our behaviors. Negative self-talk has been linked to lower confidence, difficulties with emotion regulation, increased cognitive distortions, increased anxiety, and lower performance1. The way we speak to ourselves shapes the way we view who we are. So, when we have limited capacity for empathy and understanding towards ourselves, we tend to match that energy and perform at a lower level.
How do we approach ourselves with more care?
It starts with introducing new concepts and perspectives! For example, self-compassion encourages us to treat our suffering and struggles with kindness, non-judgment, and mindfulness, just as we would for someone else. It’s common to meet our personal difficulties with feeling judged, and isolated, and like our struggles define who we are. Practicing self-compassion reminds us that we don’t suffer hardship alone, others have experienced suffering in similar and different ways too. Even more, our struggles deserve the same kindness we extend to others. Most importantly, the way we struggle doesn’t define who we are, it’s separate from our identities. We can be someone who struggles and someone who succeeds. Two things that are opposite can be true at the same time.
You might be thinking, okay great, but I work better under pressure! I don’t deserve praise until I earn it! Or maybe, how can saying kind, affirming things (especially if it’s hard to believe it) help me get to my goals?
Compassionate accountability creates an opportunity to combine components of self-compassion with acting toward what we most value. When we remove the barrier of blame, judgment, isolation, and more, we open ourselves to move towards what we most value. For example, let’s say you have you a big exam coming up. At the same time, you’re scheduled for your busiest week at work, and you committed to attending a social engagement. You complete all your agenda for the week and end up failing the exam.
The negative self-talker might say “you are a failure, you can’t do it all”. A compassionate approach would allow for you to first give yourself grace for accomplishing your tasks while under a lot of pressure. It might say “remember that you aren’t alone in sometimes failing”. That compassionate voice might encourage you to take a moment to consider how this impacts the way you feel and think, without internalizing these principles as facts about you.
So let’s add in accountability; think about what was most important to you. Was it the exam, the party, work? How did you align yourself to meet your values? Did you prioritize the other things because they were more important to you or someone else? How could you approach it differently next time without blaming yourself in this moment.? Compassionate accountability asks you to be kind and to consider your values. Notice how what you value or prioritize will impact your outcomes. We cannot change the past and we have some but not total influence of the future. The concept asks for us to be open to reflection, without judgment, and consider how we can improve in the present moment.
Another example might be noticing resistance to doing something you “have to do”. Maybe it’s the dishes in the sink, or maybe it’s confronting a problem in a relationship. Compassionate accountability holds space for the part of you that’s unmotivated while also encouraging you to try because you can do things that align with your most valued life. Think of compassionate accountability as your inner friend who wants to hug you and also lead you toward the life you deserve, one that you would enjoy! You can do hard things because you deserve the opportunity to live the life that feels best for you. You can also choose to give yourself rest and grace because that might also be what’s best for you. Compassionate accountability gives us options.
Build the inner voice that will believe in you
Compassionate accountability is an opportunity to combine components of empathy and motivation. It allows us to see where we truly are in the present and imagine ways to move toward what we truly want. So to answer our original question, do nice people really finish last? Who knows when they finish, but we know they can get their goals completed! But it sure seems like they have the chance to move towards what they want without any extra hurdles along the way. I know you can use this concept; let compassionate accountability help build that inner voice that will believe in you too!